Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
(2022)
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.