I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I have no passwords left in me
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Rather alarming headline…
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.