Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Monica just destroyed the internet
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting