Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
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My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.