Get off my horse you stupid moon
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Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
crying
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I created you as mosquito food.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy