me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious