Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.