My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
How do you like your Corgi?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.