*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.