so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.