Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”