“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.