The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
jesus, what did this guy do
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”