Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?