So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
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ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Hard not to take this personally
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Become ungovernable.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]