The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
i’m still crying at this
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?