This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.