[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
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Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”