Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
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Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
A friend helps you before you need it
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.