Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?