That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Message from the dog groomers
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
New tinder profile pic
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”