[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
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They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
This made me smile…
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
favorite tropes as memes
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
synchronized noseblowing