I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Breaking news:
taking June’s advice to heart
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
me when i see my girls butt
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup