Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Dietest Coke
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL