I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
You Might Also Like
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.