Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
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If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My what?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
✌🏽
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.