Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
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I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
seems like a niche market
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.