There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
You Might Also Like
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body