Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
R.I.P.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
me
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle