Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf