[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
You Might Also Like
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
When he asks for feet pics
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.