My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
You Might Also Like
How I like cutting carbs
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT