[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms