me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
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*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined