I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …