My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.