WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*