Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Don’t tell me what to do
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.