There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
just having fun
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me in tagged photos
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on