Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
You Might Also Like
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.