Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
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a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
A dead goose is called a ghoost
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser