this could fix me
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Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think