Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
how it started vs how it ended
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…