Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I put the mess in domestic.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.