I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”