teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
bias laundering edition
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground