My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.