Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
She was REALLY feeling it.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel