I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
oh my god
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point