Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
The three genders
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done